Thursday, April 25, 2013

The Moments Before I Met You.....

My Dear Sweet Baby Boy (well I hope you'll be sweet),

I wanted to take a few minutes to sit down and share my thoughts and feelings with you on this very special today.  Today is the day I finally get to meet you and hold you in my arms.  I have anticipated and looked forward to this day for much longer than the 9 months I have carried you inside of me.  I yearned for you so much longer than that.  I prayed and pleaded for you.   I made promises to be a better woman. I told the Lord He could take my life if I could just hold you and have yours for a single second.

That prayer wasn't answered immediately.  There were nights I laid in the fetal position while your dad held me, prayed for me when I couldn't find my way to my knees, and promised me it would be okay.  But, somewhere through that journey and so much pain that prayer was answered.  We were blessed to find out we were having you, and since that moment our lives have changed forever.

My sweet dear baby, there hasn't been a single day that has gone by I haven't thanked the Lord above for you.  I still find myself sending prayers of thanks when I roll over at 3 am (after getting up to pee for the 18th time) and feel your little legs and arms flutter around inside.  In some ways, I am somewhat sad.  I am not sad to finally have you, but am sad this special time that just the two of us share will be over.  The special moments spent rubbing my belly and feeling the special connection that I know only we share right now will be gone.  I will now have to share you with so many of the other people who love and have anticipated your arrival too.  And well, I guess I am a little but selfish.

I can't think of a sweeter day to have you.  Today is the 19th anniversary of my Grandma Wilde's passing.  You haven't met her (at least not on this side of the veil), but I know she was one of the ones who pleaded in our behalf with the Father to let us have you.  And, my sweet baby boy I find so much peace in knowing that very literally you will be ushered down here by the hosts of heaven.

I hope you like it here.  I hope we will be the kind of parents you deserve.  I hope I have what it takes to raise you to be a good man, a man full of integrity and strength.  I hope that life in our home will have some resemblance of the peace and love you are surrounded with in the pre-mortal world you are now leaving.  I hope you always know you are loved.  I cannot wait to meet you Gibson.  I cannot wait to hold you for the very first time.... and I cannot wait to be your mother.  I wish you the safest and most peaceful of travels and you make your way here in these final hours.  Thank you for being my mirable baby, and the answer to so many prayers.  See you soon!

Your Mom

Monday, December 31, 2012

2012... The year for our Christmas miracle and 4 year anniversaries

Dear Baby,

I thought there was no better day than New Years Eve to sit and write you a letter about what an amazing year 2012 has been.  This year we had the opportunity to fly out to Utah to spend the Christmas holidays with the Dance family.  And, as I laid in bed during the early hours of Christmas morning feeling you do your kicks and practice somersaults I was touched by what a special Christmas this was.

It was only a year ago that we spent Christmas in New York City with our dear friends the Telford's (I can't wait for you to meet them).  Although it was such a fun trip filled with memories to last a lifetime- perhaps the memory I remember most was how heavy my heart hung.  As we skipped around the city seeing shows, taking in Times Square, and shopping at Tiffany's for our anniversary my heart really only longed for you.  I remember feeling so much sadness during the holidays because I didn't have you.  I remember wondering if I would every find joy if I couldn't be a mother.  I remember the phone call from my sister when she told me she was pregnant.  I remember the moment we stood in line waiting to take a picture in front to of the "LOVE" sculpture in NYC, a pregnant woman in front of us stood with her husband, rubbed her belly and said to that baby inside of her "We love you".  I almost cried right then and there.  I wanted so badly to be able to rub my belly and tell a precious baby that I loved them.

This year was different.  We didn't take a fancy trip, we didn't see any famous shows, we didn't stroll down 5th Avenue, or shop at Tiffany's.  In fact, we didn't exchange any gifts at all.  Mostly because we spent enough on IVF this year to pay for the next ten Christmases.  (On a side note, you dear baby might have to fund some of your college education because at the rate we're going with baby making expenses we might be in the poor house by then. But don't worry, we'll figure all that out later.)  And even though there weren't any fancy presents under the tree the two best presents we could ever ask for were right there.  

First, the gift that was our Savior's birth... and second precious gift is you.  I will profess till my dying day that you are the miracle that was only made possible because of a loving Heavenly Father and His Son, Jesus Christ.  I won't spend a lot of time repeating things from previous letters to you, but I feel it's important for you to know that even before I got pregnant with you the sadness that filled my heart was went away and was replaced with hope.  Somehow in the midst of walking through the battle of infertility and the windy road of IVF, I was able to find joy.  Sometimes I still can't believe we actually did it!  We did IVF.  And we're having a baby!!!  For those who haven't traveled this journey- it's a crazy one.  Filled with highs and lows, sacrifice and tears... and ultimately, only about a 70% chance of success.  Yet, somehow through the miraculous atonement provided to us by our Savior Jesus Christ he enabled me to navigate my way through that.  In a way He shielded me from some of the pain, and with the discomfort I did feel- it was bearable.  And at the end of that was you. 

As I laid in bed this Christmas morning rubbing my belly, relishing every time I could feel your tiny body move inside me I was in awe at how much a year can change.  Last year was filled with so much longing and sadness.  It  was filled with a heavy heart and a girl trying to find her way through what seemed like an endless maze with no end in sight.    This year, as we chose to forgo Christmas presents, I felt like the luckiest girl in the world.  I told my mom that I really don't feel like I could ever ask for anything more.  That no present could ever match the sheer joy and gratitude that now fills the place where all of that sadness used to be. Somehow during this long and winding year I got to know my Savior a little bit better, really feel the power of His infinite atonement, and was given a more precious gift than all of the jewelry at Tiffany's and clothing on 5th Avenue combined.  I was given you.  And because of that dear baby, this was the best Christmas ever.

As I look back at the last four years (we celebrated our 4 year anniversary yesterday), I can't believe what a ride it's been.  We've gone through job changes, a move across the country, making new friends, learning to become our own family, law school, and the journey to have you.  It's been the ride of a lifetime.  I am pretty sure there is no theme park that could match it.  But, it's been a ride well worth the wait, and the whiplash that accompanied the high speed twist and turns.  As great as the ride has been, I am so excited for 2013 and the moment we get to meet you.  Thank you for being our Christmas miracle and the prize at the end of what seemed like a very long wait.  I love you more than you will ever know....


Sunday, December 16, 2012

My Son

Your picture at 17 weeks

My Dear Son (even though you're still my dear baby),

I am so excited I can call you my son!  We found out last month that you are a boy!  Your dad knew all along that you would be.  I have to tell you, I didn't get the same inclination he did so early on- but, about a week before our ultrasound I had this moment where I pictured myself giving birth and the baby they handed me was a sweet, handsome, perfect baby boy.  And, I immediately fell in love with that boy.  I was carried away for a moment in what I picture those first perfect moments of holding you to be.  And I look forward to that day so much!

For some reason finding out your gender made this whole experience a little bit more real.  Instead of   calling you "the baby", most of the time we now call you Gibson- which is what your name will be when you are born.  I loved you before you were even inside my body.  I loved you from the moment I found out  that we had 8 perfect embryos.  I fell more deeply in love with you on the day they transferred two of those embryos into my body.  Then again, I fell madly in love with you all over again the day I first heard those 127 perfect little heart beats... and again when at 9 weeks I saw you wiggle your little arms and legs... and again at 13 weeks when I saw that you already loved putting your hands so close to your perfect little face... and again at 17 weeks when I saw the glisten in your dads eye when they told him he would be having a son.  And my dear boy, my love for you continues to deepen each and every time I feel you move inside of me.

The sweetest most miraculous moment I have ever felt was the first time I felt your perfect body move around inside of mine.  There is something so priceless about feeling your little human life inside of mine.  I wake up each morning and can't wait to feel you.  Some mornings you sleep in a little longer than others, but without fail the moment I feel you I find myself whispering "thank you thank you thank you" to my Heavenly Father.  I owe Him everything.  You are our miracle sent from above. There is nothing I could ever do to repay him for you.  But, that doesn't mean I won't try.  Your dad and I have made sacred promises to raise you to be a righteous man who understands who he is, why he is here, and where you are going.

My son, you are not only our son, but you are a son of God.  You come from a noble heritage of not only earthly parents who love and adore you, but Heavenly Parents who I imagine have more love for you than any one person can.  Your Heavenly Father loves you so much He sent His Son to die for you.  In my journey to have you I learned a lot about the Atonement.  And in being pregnant, my appreciation for our Heavenly Father and His Son's perfect sacrifice has grown.  Imagine it- He loves us sooo much that He actually let His only begotten Son give His life for the rest of His children.  I know that I can never fully understand the immensity of that love, but in becoming your mother I understand that love just a little bit more.

My dear son, you are on this earth to learn and to grow.  Some of the opportunities which will allow you this growth won't be fun.  They may hurt.  They may be frustrating.  They may make you question you are.  But, I promise you that they are there for your sake.  They will help you develop into a righteous man that can live a good life.  A life filled with serving others.  A life that will lead you back to our Father in Heaven.  I promise you son, that I will be here for you every step of the way.  As long as I am living I will be here to love you, support you, and help you in any way I can to become a good man.  I will wipe away your tears when you trip and fall, or hold you when you get your feelings hurt.  I will be firm and unwavering in teaching you the principles of the gospel.  I will be there to cheer for you when you succeed and help pick you up when you falter. You are my life's purpose.  Every breath I take will be for you.  I would without a moments hesitation give my life for you.

Gibson, understanding who we are and why we are here is central to understand where we are going.  For my dear boy, where we hope to go is to return to live with our Heavenly Parents.  That's why we are here.  That is why we have to make it through this maze called life.  That is why we stretch and grow.  Your father and I hope to live our lives in such a way that you can see your potential.  We hope that we can lead by example.  We hope that through helping you understand your infinite worth that you too will want join us on the journey in making it back home. 

Although this life is filled with so many precious and good things, it unfortunately has some very terrible things in it too.  This week there was a tragedy that struck a small town in Connecticut.  I won't write the details here because they are too ugly for this precious keepsake of yours.  As a result of this tragedy, I have seen many people post things such as "Makes me think I shouldn't have children" or "Why bring children into this horrible world"...  I stand strong in my resolve that this is all the more reason to bring precious spirits born to goodly parents to this earth. 

There will be moments you will wonder why people do the things they do.  You may ask me someday why Heavenly Father allows such things to happen.  Both of which have answers too big to write here.  What I can tell you is although sometimes this world can be a scary place.... there is still a lot of good in it.  You are a light, a flicker of good that has so much potential to contribute back to humanity.  You will be the good in the world my dear boy- the good that this world so badly needs. Your dad and I will do everything we can to help you become that power for good.

You may be sick of me saying it by now, but I love you.  There are no words that can even begin to describe the love I have for you.  My love for you is eternal.  I have loved you longer than I can remember.  And I will love you forever.  To borrow from my favorite children's book (which I plan on reading to you over and over again), I'll love you forever, I'll like you for always, as long as I'm living my baby you'll be. 


Your Mom

Wednesday, November 14, 2012

16 weeks and 16 reasons I love you

Dear Baby,

Today I am 16 weeks!  I wanted to commemorate this milestone by sharing 16 reasons I love you...  I want you to know there are infinitely more reasons I love and adore you, but since the #16 is our number of the day... I figure 16 reasons will suffice.

1.  Dream come true...Sometimes I wake up in the morning wondering if this pregnancy has all just been a dream (a dream of a lifetime I might add)... and I immediately place my hand on my belly to see if it's real.  I love the little bump you have created in my tummy that shows me each and every day that you are in fact real... because Baby, if we wouldn't have been able to have this dream become a reality, I think I would have asked Heavenly Father to put me to sleep so I could dream about you always....

2.  Ramen Noodles and hotdogs... I love your fine culinary palate.  Never in my life have I craved the likes of Ramen Noodles and hotdogs...  You definitely take after your father.  I just can't imagine a girl liking this kind of food which is one reason I think you might be a boy:)

3.  My excuse to sleep in...  Oh Baby, if you could only know how much I love this new excuse I have to sleep 10-11 hours at night.  I love telling Mike I'm too tired because the baby needs it's sleep.  Additionally, I am banking all these extra hours of sleep because I know I'm not going to get nearly as much in a few months.

4.  Prayers are answered...  I knew before you came along that prayers were answered, but my testimony of this expanded exponentially when I find out I was pregnant with you.  I love that you were the answer to my most earnest and heartfelt prayers to my Heavenly Father.  By the time we meet you, you probably won't be able to remember all of these prayers, but somehow I have no doubt that you were present and heard some of our most tender pleadings. 

5.  Mover and a Shaker... Oh Baby, I just love that you are such a mover and a shaker!  During our last ultrasound it almost looked like you were doing a little dance in there (which is very fitting considering your last name).  I can't wait to see you move and shake your little body when you get here.

6.  Weight Gain...  Anyone who knows me knows I can be a little neurotic about weight.  You ought to know I love you so much I even love the pounds you have caused me to pack on.  My doctor so kindly reminded me I am not eating for two:) 

7.  I feel my Savior's love...A few weeks ago during Sunday school, we were talking about 3rd Nephi and when Christ came to the Americas after His resurrection.  After He arrived the people fell and kissed his feet.  Our teacher mentioned that he didn't know if he had ever felt so moved that he would have kissed the Savior's feet (forgive me for the paraphrasing).  Oh baby, I love you so much because you have moved me to that extent.  When I got the phone call that I was pregnant with you I literally collapsed onto the couch as I was overcome with joy and gratitude.  If the Savior would have been there, I would have kissed His feet.  And I promise you this Baby, someday when we meet our Savior again I will fall to His feet and kiss them.  One of the reasons I love you so is because our journey to have you has helped me to know and love my Savior better.

8.  Little Flutters...  Dear Baby I love the little flutters I feel occasionally that I am pretty sure you cause:)  From what I hear, it's a little early to be feeling you move inside me, but every once in a while I get feel the tiniest little flutter and I just know it has to be you letting me know you're there.

9.  Increasing my patience... Dear Baby I love you because somewhere during this journey to have you my patience increased.  It's funny, some of the things that used to matter to me or annoy me just don't anymore.  You are so much more important than an idiot driver, a rude checkout person at Wal-Mart, or a petty girl fight.  I hope that increased patience will help me be a better mother to you.

10.  Tummy Kisses... One of the things I love about you Baby, is the tender side that you have brought out in your Father.  He was always a pretty sweet guy, but I love it when he kisses my tummy goodbye- or when he says "I love you witty BooBoo" (p.s. Witty BooBoo is one of the terms of endearment we have for you)

11.  Bonding with my mom and sister... I love you for giving me the opportunity to share something special with my mom and sister.  I used to wonder if I would ever get the opportunity to dish about pregnancy and my hopes and dreams for you with my mom and sister.  It was one of the hardest things I had to work through during my struggle to have you...  Thank you for giving me this opportunity.

12.  Success Story...  I love you for being an IVF success story.  I have said it before and will say it again, I am proud (not the prideful kind of proud) to stand with women who have struggled with and come through the struggle with infertility.

13.  New friends... I love you because somehow my journey to have you led me to new found friends and deeper relationships with those friends I already had.

14.  Boy or Girl?  I love that from the time you were a tiny embryo your gender was already decided... and we get to find out that gender next week!  Lots of people seem to think they know what you are (your dad especially)... but it's funny because I don't:)  I have had two dreams you are a girl and one that you are a boy.  I love that we get to go next week to find out the big surprise!  It will be the best birthday present ever!!!

15.  You're a piece of us...  We have a running joke that there could have potentially been a mix-up in the IVF lab:)  And if that's the case, I will still love you.  But in all seriousness, I love that you fulfilled my desire to have a child that is a piece of me and your dad.  I want you to know I look forward to seeing which pieces of me and your dad you bring with you.  I won't even care if you have his big nose or my big calves... I'll love you anyways.  And if for some reason you come out looking like the South American couple that had IVF on the same day-I'm still not giving you back!

16.  Fulfillment...  I can't speak for all women, but I can tell you baby that when I lay my head down at night, the last thoughts that flutter through my head are usually centered on how grateful I am to have you.  I love you for being the rainbow at the end of a long storm. I love that you are the water at the end of a long journey through a lone a dreary desert.  I love that you are the result of a loving Heavenly Father having mercy and compassion on His daughter and her pleadings to have a child.  You are my fulfillment and I love you for it.

There are so many other reasons I love you... and I look forward to sharing those with you throughout our journey together. 

Your Mom

Monday, September 10, 2012

127 perfect beats....

  Our Tiny Dancer at 6 weeks 5 days

Dear Baby (Today we can definitively call you baby instead of babies),

Today was my first OB ultrasound!  I have had lots of ultrasounds by this point, but today was an extra special one because it was my first pregnancy ultrasound.  I know it doesn't sound like a big deal to most women- but for someone who has longed to conceive as long I have, for someone who wondered if they would ever have the opportunity to go to the doctor to see their little baby on the screen, it was a very big deal to me. 

I have to admit, I was a little but nervous going in because it is always easy to think the worst.  But my dear Tiny Dancer, it was a moment filled with joy (indescribable joy) and absolute gratitude.  You see baby, we got to see you on the screen and see your strong heart beat!  127 perfect beats per minute to be exact.  During this ultrasound we saw how strong you are, and that you are growing so well.  I can't even begin to imagine how much I am going to love you by the time I actually get to hold you because I love you so much already.  I would give my life for you.  Actually seeing you and hearing you exponentially expanded my love for you.

Baby, you really are our miracle (our little pea size miracle to be exact).  Since finding out we were pregnant 3 weeks ago I have been overwhelmed with gratitude for the many miracles that have so graciously been given to us by our Heavenly Father.  I don't ever want you to take for granted what an absolute blessing you are in our lives so I am going to list these miracles one by one for you (please forgive me if I miss anything)....

1.  Heavenly Father made this burden bearable.  There were some really dark and lonely days.  There were days I wondered if I was going to make it.  But ultimately, the Lord lightened my load enough that I was able to find joy.  My life didn't completely stop- although when we first started going through this I wanted everyone elses to.  I look forward to reading you a particularly special chapter in Mosiah someday... but until then I will tell you my heart has been touched knowing that even when we carry heavy burdens the Lord loves us so much He makes them feel light. 

2.  I found Dr. Goldstein.  I was completely shut off to the idea of seeing a fertility specialist... at least until Mike was done with school.  Somehow my heart was softened.  I found his website.  I felt peace immediately upon meeting him.  I felt completely comfortable and confident in our decision to pursue IVF.  Baby, this man is a miracle worker- a miracle worker that our Heavenly Father gave some very special gifts to.  Gifts that helped a woman like me have a dream come true.  And not only is he amazing, but his nurses and staff are too.  I love them all so much I wish I could name you after all of them... but then you'd have like this: Gibson Michael Gerald Carlos Linda Amber Leetiecha Amy Dance, and that wouldn't be very convenient when writing your name on your school work.  So, we'll just always hold a special place in our hearts for them.

3.  IVF is very expensive.  I would do it all over again... and again and again and again just to have you.  But dear baby, we might be living in a cardboard box underneath the 380/I 35 overpass by then.  For some reason our finances fell into place beautifully.  So baby, if you are ever wondering if you should start saving your money- you probably should.  What a blessing that I started putting money away for retirement at such a young age.  Otherwise we might be panhandling for formula and diapers in the Wal-Mart parking lot after you were born (although you'd be totally worth it:))

4.  I have a wonderfully flexible job that allows me to work from home.  Many women feel a strain between fertility treatments and their employer.  I feel so grateful that I have a job that allowed me to be at the doctor when I needed to... A job that I didn't feel like was in jeopardy because I had to ask for time off for my fertility treatments.  I mean I may have no motivation to put on real clothes or get ready every day... I may look like I've given up on life because of my permanent state of dumpiness- but I am grateful for a job that allows me this kind of flexibility to stay home and be dumpy to I could go through IVF with such little disruption to my work life.

5.  Mike's internship in Texas.  It was such a miracle that Mike had his internship out in the Dallas area for the summer.  Had we been in Salt Lake, Jackson, Austin, Timbuktu, or Kalamazoo we wouldn't have met Dr. Goldstein. This whole process made his unpaid internship feel like we won the jackpot.

6.  Living with our parents for the summer.  It was so nice to have a built in support system this summer.  IVF is an overwhelming process.  For the most part, I wasn't too overwhelmed.  I had my mom, dad, and sister to support me throughout the journey (of course I had Mikey too).  I have a mom that gets up every morning at 6 am to give me my shot.  I have a sister who just had a baby who is willing and able to share her pregnancy/nursing expertise with me and my million questions.  So what if I am sleeping in a room without a lock, that I have to share a bathroom with my 26 year old brother.... moving back home was an absolute blessing during this process.

7.  The greatest miracle of the summer was getting pregnant with you.  Baby, I've told you before and I'll tell you again that I would have stopped at nothing to have you.  But, I would never have had this opportunity to have you had it not been for a loving Father in Heaven who so graciously heard my pleas... heard the countless prayers in our behalf and lifted this burden.  During the darkest moments- the moments where I woke up in the morning and wondered if it was worth getting out of bed- deep down I knew if I kept my covenants, had faith, and demonstrated earnest desire that eventually He would lift this burden.  And he did.  I could have never made it through the last several months without the redeeming power of the atonement, which I know ultimately allowed peace to be restored to my soul.  I don't have anything funny or witty to say about this one.  I am 100% humbled and feel so much gratitude to my Father in Heaven for ultimately blessing us with all of these miracles.  I can never repay Him or thank Him enough.  So, what I'll do is show him I'm grateful by living a good life and trying to serve others. 

So Baby, I hope you understand that you were the culmination of countless miracles in our lives.  You are the miracle I prayed for each and every day.  You are the miracle I shed so many tears for.  The miracle that ultimately helped me become a better person, a better woman.  Thank you for staying strong.  Thank you for those perfect 127 beats per minute that your heart makes.  I can't wait to hear that perfect little heart again.


Your Mom

Thursday, August 23, 2012

Worth the Wait...

Baby's first picture!

Dear Baby(ies),

Yesterday culminated into what I can only describe as the best day of my life.  For baby, it was yesterday that we found out we are pregnant with you.  As you know by now, our path to having you has felt long and hard. It has been filled with all sorts of curves and surprises along the way.  And even though at times the road felt lonely and unending, the wait to have you was absolutely worth it. 

Before hearing the amazing news yesterday it had been quite the week.... and had been filled with so many emotions.  To be honest, I am just barely starting to process them all.  Last Monday was the day of our embryo transfer.  This is the part of the IVF process in which they select the best embryo(s) to transfer back into my uterus.  In our case, they selected the best two.   The embryologist gave us the above picture right before we went into the operating room.  I will have to tell you, the moment they placed you inside of my body was one of the most spiritual and tender moments I have ever had.  I knew without a shadow of a doubt as I watched the doctor carefully place you inside of me that he had been given a talent, and with that talent he was helping a dream come true for us.  I know our Heavenly Father gave him the talents and abilities he has to bless the lives of others people like us.

Some people might resent not getting pregnant the conventional way but I don't...   Not many people are able to exercise such faith, desire, and sacrifice to have a child.  Your father and I would go to any length to have you,  and in fact went to great lengths to bring you here.  But with all efforts we went through, this miracle wouldn't have happened without our Heavenly Father.  He absolutely answered the most tender prayers and pleadings of my heart.  This long journey has been filled with so many tender mercies- some so tender and dear to my heart I can't bring myself to write them here.  Those tender mercies we experienced are priceless.

After the transfer Dr. Goldstein told me the next 10 days would be hard.  And he was right.  We had to wait 10 days to find out if we were pregnant with you.  There were some days that weren't too bad, but there were a couple of days I was an absolute mess.  The day after our transfer we found out they weren't able to freeze the remaining embryos. That was a sad moment for me.  I felt defeated and worried.  I felt a little bit of loss for what might have been for those tiny pieces of life.  But ultimately, I was comforted and able to move past that because I know the Lord has a special place for each one of his children- and those little pieces of us have their special place in His plan.

Then all of a sudden day 10 came and it was time to go to his office to have my blood drawn.  The minute I walked into the lab area the staff was so excited to see me.  They said they had been praying for me, and were sending all of their positive thoughts our way.  It was touching to know that they were rooting for us too.  Before I knew it, my blood was drawn and I was walking out of the office.  They told me they would call me sometime in the afternoon with the results.  It almost seemed mean to have to wait so long...

The minute I walked out of Dr. Goldstein's office I broke out in tears.  It was so weird because they weren't tears of sadness....  I actually had a peaceful feeling.  But I was overcome because I knew that I had given it everything I possibly could, and even though I had given it my all it was ultimately in the Lord's hands- and I needed to lay it at His feet.  And as I was overcome with that realization, I also knew that countless prayers had been offered in our behalf.  I could almost visualize those prayers making their way to our Father in Heaven... and I know that those prayers were a big part of what brought you here to us. 

Before I knew it the phone rang.... and it wasn't even the afternoon yet!  It was Linda Dr. Goldstein's nurse and she said she had some good news.  We found out that I am pregnant and that my pregnancy hormone level looks really good.  120.2 to be exact.  As I heard this I had to sit down, and in that moment I completely lost it.    I shed countless tears of joy.  The moment I had dreamed of for so long was really here.  My heart was completely overcome with a feeling of gratitude I can't describe- and still can't.  In fact, I am still in shock.  I feel so undeserving to have such a dream come true.

And now baby I sit here writing this knowing you are growing inside my belly.  I am without words to describe how I feel inside.  For you are my tiny little miracle(s)... a miracle which would have never come to pass without a loving Heavenly Father who allowed so many doors to open.... and each of those doors led us to you.  So I ask you baby, please be strong, keep growing, know that mommy loves you, and I can't wait to meet you in a few short months.


Your Mom

Thursday, August 9, 2012

8 Tiny Dancers....

(Embyo 1 day after fertillization- Photo courtesy of

Dear Baby(ies)-

Yesterday was a big day for our little family.  Our little family of two grew to include 8 of you.  You see baby(ies), yesterday was our retrieval day. After 3 weeks of medications (injectable medications I might add) to make my ovaries produce follicles, the doctor has to go and drain them.  What you hope is that each of those little sacs has an egg inside it.  I got a little bit worried last week because I didn't produce 20 follicles like some women do.  But, what I realized per Dr. Goldstein is that it's quality not quantity.  And my 9 follicles were little super stars.  When Dr. Goldstein went in to drain them, he got an egg from each one.  Wahoo!

After retrieval came fertilization....  I won't go into too much detail here.  We'll teach you about where babies from when you're a little older.  We got a call from our embyrologist today to let us know that 8 of our little embryos made it through the night.  What this means is that one of you wasn't quite strong enough to make it.... and while I was sad about this I was so glad 8 of you did.  What this means is that today we have 8 tiny little dancers spending quality time together in an incubator growing stronger and getting bigger so that Dr. Goldstein can transfer you into my uterus.  In case you are frightened that you might be sent to a family with a crazy Octomom- don't worry.  Dr. Goldstein only puts two in at a time. 

Even though you are just little cells right now.  I love you.   I already feel protective over you.  If I could I would go and hold you, but that would hurt you so I won't.  And I promise you this, I won't leave any one of you behind.  I will come back for each and every one of you- even if that means I spend tens of thousands of more dollars on IVF.  For you see you are my babies.

So tiny dancers, be strong and keep growing.  I can't wait to meet you.


Your Mom