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| Our Tiny Dancer at 6 weeks 5 days |
Dear Baby (Today we can definitively call you baby instead of babies),
Today was my first OB ultrasound! I have had lots of ultrasounds by this point, but today was an extra special one because it was my first pregnancy ultrasound. I know it doesn't sound like a big deal to most women- but for someone who has longed to conceive as long I have, for someone who wondered if they would ever have the opportunity to go to the doctor to see their little baby on the screen, it was a very big deal to me.
I have to admit, I was a little but nervous going in because it is always easy to think the worst. But my dear Tiny Dancer, it was a moment filled with joy (indescribable joy) and absolute gratitude. You see baby, we got to see you on the screen and see your strong heart beat! 127 perfect beats per minute to be exact. During this ultrasound we saw how strong you are, and that you are growing so well. I can't even begin to imagine how much I am going to love you by the time I actually get to hold you because I love you so much already. I would give my life for you. Actually seeing you and hearing you exponentially expanded my love for you.
Baby, you really are our miracle (our little pea size miracle to be exact). Since finding out we were pregnant 3 weeks ago I have been overwhelmed with gratitude for the many miracles that have so graciously been given to us by our Heavenly Father. I don't ever want you to take for granted what an absolute blessing you are in our lives so I am going to list these miracles one by one for you (please forgive me if I miss anything)....
1. Heavenly Father made this burden bearable. There were some really dark and lonely days. There were days I wondered if I was going to make it. But ultimately, the Lord lightened my load enough that I was able to find joy. My life didn't completely stop- although when we first started going through this I wanted everyone elses to. I look forward to reading you a particularly special chapter in Mosiah someday... but until then I will tell you my heart has been touched knowing that even when we carry heavy burdens the Lord loves us so much He makes them feel light.
2. I found Dr. Goldstein. I was completely shut off to the idea of seeing a fertility specialist... at least until Mike was done with school. Somehow my heart was softened. I found his website. I felt peace immediately upon meeting him. I felt completely comfortable and confident in our decision to pursue IVF. Baby, this man is a miracle worker- a miracle worker that our Heavenly Father gave some very special gifts to. Gifts that helped a woman like me have a dream come true. And not only is he amazing, but his nurses and staff are too. I love them all so much I wish I could name you after all of them... but then you'd have like this: Gibson Michael Gerald Carlos Linda Amber Leetiecha Amy Dance, and that wouldn't be very convenient when writing your name on your school work. So, we'll just always hold a special place in our hearts for them.
3. IVF is very expensive. I would do it all over again... and again and again and again just to have you. But dear baby, we might be living in a cardboard box underneath the 380/I 35 overpass by then. For some reason our finances fell into place beautifully. So baby, if you are ever wondering if you should start saving your money- you probably should. What a blessing that I started putting money away for retirement at such a young age. Otherwise we might be panhandling for formula and diapers in the Wal-Mart parking lot after you were born (although you'd be totally worth it:))
4. I have a wonderfully flexible job that allows me to work from home. Many women feel a strain between fertility treatments and their employer. I feel so grateful that I have a job that allowed me to be at the doctor when I needed to... A job that I didn't feel like was in jeopardy because I had to ask for time off for my fertility treatments. I mean I may have no motivation to put on real clothes or get ready every day... I may look like I've given up on life because of my permanent state of dumpiness- but I am grateful for a job that allows me this kind of flexibility to stay home and be dumpy to I could go through IVF with such little disruption to my work life.
5. Mike's internship in Texas. It was such a miracle that Mike had his internship out in the Dallas area for the summer. Had we been in Salt Lake, Jackson, Austin, Timbuktu, or Kalamazoo we wouldn't have met Dr. Goldstein. This whole process made his unpaid internship feel like we won the jackpot.
6. Living with our parents for the summer. It was so nice to have a built in support system this summer. IVF is an overwhelming process. For the most part, I wasn't too overwhelmed. I had my mom, dad, and sister to support me throughout the journey (of course I had Mikey too). I have a mom that gets up every morning at 6 am to give me my shot. I have a sister who just had a baby who is willing and able to share her pregnancy/nursing expertise with me and my million questions. So what if I am sleeping in a room without a lock, that I have to share a bathroom with my 26 year old brother.... moving back home was an absolute blessing during this process.
7. The greatest miracle of the summer was getting pregnant with you. Baby, I've told you before and I'll tell you again that I would have stopped at nothing to have you. But, I would never have had this opportunity to have you had it not been for a loving Father in Heaven who so graciously heard my pleas... heard the countless prayers in our behalf and lifted this burden. During the darkest moments- the moments where I woke up in the morning and wondered if it was worth getting out of bed- deep down I knew if I kept my covenants, had faith, and demonstrated earnest desire that eventually He would lift this burden. And he did. I could have never made it through the last several months without the redeeming power of the atonement, which I know ultimately allowed peace to be restored to my soul. I don't have anything funny or witty to say about this one. I am 100% humbled and feel so much gratitude to my Father in Heaven for ultimately blessing us with all of these miracles. I can never repay Him or thank Him enough. So, what I'll do is show him I'm grateful by living a good life and trying to serve others.
So Baby, I hope you understand that you were the culmination of countless miracles in our lives. You are the miracle I prayed for each and every day. You are the miracle I shed so many tears for. The miracle that ultimately helped me become a better person, a better woman. Thank you for staying strong. Thank you for those perfect 127 beats per minute that your heart makes. I can't wait to hear that perfect little heart again.
Love,
Your Mom
