2012... The year for our Christmas miracle and 4 year anniversaries

Dear Baby,

I thought there was no better day than New Years Eve to sit and write you a letter about what an amazing year 2012 has been.  This year we had the opportunity to fly out to Utah to spend the Christmas holidays with the Dance family.  And, as I laid in bed during the early hours of Christmas morning feeling you do your kicks and practice somersaults I was touched by what a special Christmas this was.

It was only a year ago that we spent Christmas in New York City with our dear friends the Telford's (I can't wait for you to meet them).  Although it was such a fun trip filled with memories to last a lifetime- perhaps the memory I remember most was how heavy my heart hung.  As we skipped around the city seeing shows, taking in Times Square, and shopping at Tiffany's for our anniversary my heart really only longed for you.  I remember feeling so much sadness during the holidays because I didn't have you.  I remember wondering if I would every find joy if I couldn't be a mother.  I remember the phone call from my sister when she told me she was pregnant.  I remember the moment we stood in line waiting to take a picture in front to of the "LOVE" sculpture in NYC, a pregnant woman in front of us stood with her husband, rubbed her belly and said to that baby inside of her "We love you".  I almost cried right then and there.  I wanted so badly to be able to rub my belly and tell a precious baby that I loved them.

This year was different.  We didn't take a fancy trip, we didn't see any famous shows, we didn't stroll down 5th Avenue, or shop at Tiffany's.  In fact, we didn't exchange any gifts at all.  Mostly because we spent enough on IVF this year to pay for the next ten Christmases.  (On a side note, you dear baby might have to fund some of your college education because at the rate we're going with baby making expenses we might be in the poor house by then. But don't worry, we'll figure all that out later.)  And even though there weren't any fancy presents under the tree the two best presents we could ever ask for were right there.  

First, the gift that was our Savior's birth... and second precious gift is you.  I will profess till my dying day that you are the miracle that was only made possible because of a loving Heavenly Father and His Son, Jesus Christ.  I won't spend a lot of time repeating things from previous letters to you, but I feel it's important for you to know that even before I got pregnant with you the sadness that filled my heart was went away and was replaced with hope.  Somehow in the midst of walking through the battle of infertility and the windy road of IVF, I was able to find joy.  Sometimes I still can't believe we actually did it!  We did IVF.  And we're having a baby!!!  For those who haven't traveled this journey- it's a crazy one.  Filled with highs and lows, sacrifice and tears... and ultimately, only about a 70% chance of success.  Yet, somehow through the miraculous atonement provided to us by our Savior Jesus Christ he enabled me to navigate my way through that.  In a way He shielded me from some of the pain, and with the discomfort I did feel- it was bearable.  And at the end of that was you. 

As I laid in bed this Christmas morning rubbing my belly, relishing every time I could feel your tiny body move inside me I was in awe at how much a year can change.  Last year was filled with so much longing and sadness.  It  was filled with a heavy heart and a girl trying to find her way through what seemed like an endless maze with no end in sight.    This year, as we chose to forgo Christmas presents, I felt like the luckiest girl in the world.  I told my mom that I really don't feel like I could ever ask for anything more.  That no present could ever match the sheer joy and gratitude that now fills the place where all of that sadness used to be. Somehow during this long and winding year I got to know my Savior a little bit better, really feel the power of His infinite atonement, and was given a more precious gift than all of the jewelry at Tiffany's and clothing on 5th Avenue combined.  I was given you.  And because of that dear baby, this was the best Christmas ever.

As I look back at the last four years (we celebrated our 4 year anniversary yesterday), I can't believe what a ride it's been.  We've gone through job changes, a move across the country, making new friends, learning to become our own family, law school, and the journey to have you.  It's been the ride of a lifetime.  I am pretty sure there is no theme park that could match it.  But, it's been a ride well worth the wait, and the whiplash that accompanied the high speed twist and turns.  As great as the ride has been, I am so excited for 2013 and the moment we get to meet you.  Thank you for being our Christmas miracle and the prize at the end of what seemed like a very long wait.  I love you more than you will ever know....

Mom

My Son

Your picture at 17 weeks

My Dear Son (even though you're still my dear baby),

I am so excited I can call you my son!  We found out last month that you are a boy!  Your dad knew all along that you would be.  I have to tell you, I didn't get the same inclination he did so early on- but, about a week before our ultrasound I had this moment where I pictured myself giving birth and the baby they handed me was a sweet, handsome, perfect baby boy.  And, I immediately fell in love with that boy.  I was carried away for a moment in what I picture those first perfect moments of holding you to be.  And I look forward to that day so much!

For some reason finding out your gender made this whole experience a little bit more real.  Instead of   calling you "the baby", most of the time we now call you Gibson- which is what your name will be when you are born.  I loved you before you were even inside my body.  I loved you from the moment I found out  that we had 8 perfect embryos.  I fell more deeply in love with you on the day they transferred two of those embryos into my body.  Then again, I fell madly in love with you all over again the day I first heard those 127 perfect little heart beats... and again when at 9 weeks I saw you wiggle your little arms and legs... and again at 13 weeks when I saw that you already loved putting your hands so close to your perfect little face... and again at 17 weeks when I saw the glisten in your dads eye when they told him he would be having a son.  And my dear boy, my love for you continues to deepen each and every time I feel you move inside of me.

The sweetest most miraculous moment I have ever felt was the first time I felt your perfect body move around inside of mine.  There is something so priceless about feeling your little human life inside of mine.  I wake up each morning and can't wait to feel you.  Some mornings you sleep in a little longer than others, but without fail the moment I feel you I find myself whispering "thank you thank you thank you" to my Heavenly Father.  I owe Him everything.  You are our miracle sent from above. There is nothing I could ever do to repay him for you.  But, that doesn't mean I won't try.  Your dad and I have made sacred promises to raise you to be a righteous man who understands who he is, why he is here, and where you are going.

My son, you are not only our son, but you are a son of God.  You come from a noble heritage of not only earthly parents who love and adore you, but Heavenly Parents who I imagine have more love for you than any one person can.  Your Heavenly Father loves you so much He sent His Son to die for you.  In my journey to have you I learned a lot about the Atonement.  And in being pregnant, my appreciation for our Heavenly Father and His Son's perfect sacrifice has grown.  Imagine it- He loves us sooo much that He actually let His only begotten Son give His life for the rest of His children.  I know that I can never fully understand the immensity of that love, but in becoming your mother I understand that love just a little bit more.

My dear son, you are on this earth to learn and to grow.  Some of the opportunities which will allow you this growth won't be fun.  They may hurt.  They may be frustrating.  They may make you question you are.  But, I promise you that they are there for your sake.  They will help you develop into a righteous man that can live a good life.  A life filled with serving others.  A life that will lead you back to our Father in Heaven.  I promise you son, that I will be here for you every step of the way.  As long as I am living I will be here to love you, support you, and help you in any way I can to become a good man.  I will wipe away your tears when you trip and fall, or hold you when you get your feelings hurt.  I will be firm and unwavering in teaching you the principles of the gospel.  I will be there to cheer for you when you succeed and help pick you up when you falter. You are my life's purpose.  Every breath I take will be for you.  I would without a moments hesitation give my life for you.

Gibson, understanding who we are and why we are here is central to understand where we are going.  For my dear boy, where we hope to go is to return to live with our Heavenly Parents.  That's why we are here.  That is why we have to make it through this maze called life.  That is why we stretch and grow.  Your father and I hope to live our lives in such a way that you can see your potential.  We hope that we can lead by example.  We hope that through helping you understand your infinite worth that you too will want join us on the journey in making it back home. 

Although this life is filled with so many precious and good things, it unfortunately has some very terrible things in it too.  This week there was a tragedy that struck a small town in Connecticut.  I won't write the details here because they are too ugly for this precious keepsake of yours.  As a result of this tragedy, I have seen many people post things such as "Makes me think I shouldn't have children" or "Why bring children into this horrible world"...  I stand strong in my resolve that this is all the more reason to bring precious spirits born to goodly parents to this earth. 

There will be moments you will wonder why people do the things they do.  You may ask me someday why Heavenly Father allows such things to happen.  Both of which have answers too big to write here.  What I can tell you is although sometimes this world can be a scary place.... there is still a lot of good in it.  You are a light, a flicker of good that has so much potential to contribute back to humanity.  You will be the good in the world my dear boy- the good that this world so badly needs. Your dad and I will do everything we can to help you become that power for good.

You may be sick of me saying it by now, but I love you.  There are no words that can even begin to describe the love I have for you.  My love for you is eternal.  I have loved you longer than I can remember.  And I will love you forever.  To borrow from my favorite children's book (which I plan on reading to you over and over again), I'll love you forever, I'll like you for always, as long as I'm living my baby you'll be. 

Love,

Your Mom