I thought there was no better day than New Years Eve to sit and write you a letter about what an amazing year 2012 has been. This year we had the opportunity to fly out to Utah to spend the Christmas holidays with the Dance family. And, as I laid in bed during the early hours of Christmas morning feeling you do your kicks and practice somersaults I was touched by what a special Christmas this was.
It was only a year ago that we spent Christmas in New York City with our dear friends the Telford's (I can't wait for you to meet them). Although it was such a fun trip filled with memories to last a lifetime- perhaps the memory I remember most was how heavy my heart hung. As we skipped around the city seeing shows, taking in Times Square, and shopping at Tiffany's for our anniversary my heart really only longed for you. I remember feeling so much sadness during the holidays because I didn't have you. I remember wondering if I would every find joy if I couldn't be a mother. I remember the phone call from my sister when she told me she was pregnant. I remember the moment we stood in line waiting to take a picture in front to of the "LOVE" sculpture in NYC, a pregnant woman in front of us stood with her husband, rubbed her belly and said to that baby inside of her "We love you". I almost cried right then and there. I wanted so badly to be able to rub my belly and tell a precious baby that I loved them.
This year was different. We didn't take a fancy trip, we didn't see any famous shows, we didn't stroll down 5th Avenue, or shop at Tiffany's. In fact, we didn't exchange any gifts at all. Mostly because we spent enough on IVF this year to pay for the next ten Christmases. (On a side note, you dear baby might have to fund some of your college education because at the rate we're going with baby making expenses we might be in the poor house by then. But don't worry, we'll figure all that out later.) And even though there weren't any fancy presents under the tree the two best presents we could ever ask for were right there.
First, the gift that was our Savior's birth... and second precious gift is you. I will profess till my dying day that you are the miracle that was only made possible because of a loving Heavenly Father and His Son, Jesus Christ. I won't spend a lot of time repeating things from previous letters to you, but I feel it's important for you to know that even before I got pregnant with you the sadness that filled my heart was went away and was replaced with hope. Somehow in the midst of walking through the battle of infertility and the windy road of IVF, I was able to find joy. Sometimes I still can't believe we actually did it! We did IVF. And we're having a baby!!! For those who haven't traveled this journey- it's a crazy one. Filled with highs and lows, sacrifice and tears... and ultimately, only about a 70% chance of success. Yet, somehow through the miraculous atonement provided to us by our Savior Jesus Christ he enabled me to navigate my way through that. In a way He shielded me from some of the pain, and with the discomfort I did feel- it was bearable. And at the end of that was you.
As I laid in bed this Christmas morning rubbing my belly, relishing every time I could feel your tiny body move inside me I was in awe at how much a year can change. Last year was filled with so much longing and sadness. It was filled with a heavy heart and a girl trying to find her way through what seemed like an endless maze with no end in sight. This year, as we chose to forgo Christmas presents, I felt like the luckiest girl in the world. I told my mom that I really don't feel like I could ever ask for anything more. That no present could ever match the sheer joy and gratitude that now fills the place where all of that sadness used to be. Somehow during this long and winding year I got to know my Savior a little bit better, really feel the power of His infinite atonement, and was given a more precious gift than all of the jewelry at Tiffany's and clothing on 5th Avenue combined. I was given you. And because of that dear baby, this was the best Christmas ever.
As I look back at the last four years (we celebrated our 4 year anniversary yesterday), I can't believe what a ride it's been. We've gone through job changes, a move across the country, making new friends, learning to become our own family, law school, and the journey to have you. It's been the ride of a lifetime. I am pretty sure there is no theme park that could match it. But, it's been a ride well worth the wait, and the whiplash that accompanied the high speed twist and turns. As great as the ride has been, I am so excited for 2013 and the moment we get to meet you. Thank you for being our Christmas miracle and the prize at the end of what seemed like a very long wait. I love you more than you will ever know....
Mom
This was beautifully written. Congrats to you.
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