8 Tiny Dancers....

(Embyo 1 day after fertillization- Photo courtesy of NIH..gov)

Dear Baby(ies)-

Yesterday was a big day for our little family.  Our little family of two grew to include 8 of you.  You see baby(ies), yesterday was our retrieval day. After 3 weeks of medications (injectable medications I might add) to make my ovaries produce follicles, the doctor has to go and drain them.  What you hope is that each of those little sacs has an egg inside it.  I got a little bit worried last week because I didn't produce 20 follicles like some women do.  But, what I realized per Dr. Goldstein is that it's quality not quantity.  And my 9 follicles were little super stars.  When Dr. Goldstein went in to drain them, he got an egg from each one.  Wahoo!

After retrieval came fertilization....  I won't go into too much detail here.  We'll teach you about where babies from when you're a little older.  We got a call from our embyrologist today to let us know that 8 of our little embryos made it through the night.  What this means is that one of you wasn't quite strong enough to make it.... and while I was sad about this I was so glad 8 of you did.  What this means is that today we have 8 tiny little dancers spending quality time together in an incubator growing stronger and getting bigger so that Dr. Goldstein can transfer you into my uterus.  In case you are frightened that you might be sent to a family with a crazy Octomom- don't worry.  Dr. Goldstein only puts two in at a time. 

Even though you are just little cells right now.  I love you.   I already feel protective over you.  If I could I would go and hold you, but that would hurt you so I won't.  And I promise you this, I won't leave any one of you behind.  I will come back for each and every one of you- even if that means I spend tens of thousands of more dollars on IVF.  For you see you are my babies.

So tiny dancers, be strong and keep growing.  I can't wait to meet you.

Love,

Your Mom

Dreams into Plans

Dear Baby,

I have hesitated to share too much on this blog because of my desire to keep the most tender moments of this fertility struggle private.  However some of the greatest moments of release come in writing you.  I also hope that one day another woman might be able to benefit from being able to gain from the experiences I have had on my journey to having you.  With that being said, I am going to put it all out there.

One thing I have learned through this process is that, "The Lord’s way is not to sit at the side of the stream and wait for the water to pass before we cross. It is to come together, roll up our sleeves, go to work, and build a bridge or a boat to cross the waters of our challenges." (Elder Uchtdorf).  So baby, I decided I am not going to sit at the side of the stream and wait for you to float on by.  I am going to go to work and turn all of my dreams into plans, and I will keep making plans and building bridges until I cross whatever water I need to find you.

What this means for us right now is that our plans are to pursue IVF.  In fact, we are knee deep in the process right now.  It really is so crazy how the Lord brings you to places you'd never thought you'd be.  If you would have asked me a year ago if I would ever pursue advanced fertility treatment like IVF I would have said no.  But, somehow somewhere my heart began to soften- and after meeting Dr. Goldstein I felt with 100% surity that this was the right path for us.

Somewhere between finding out Kristi and Katie were pregnant I decided that I just couldn't handle anymore fertility talk let alone any treatments.  I stopped taking the Clomid and told Mike and my mom that we were taking a break from all of it, and would re-visit the issue after law school/the bar/and Mike finding a job.  This was where I stood and nobody was going to change my mind.  And, I think I needed to get to this point to start healing from all of the hurt.

It was in May that my mom called me and told me about a girl in her ward who approached her about wanting to find a fertility specialist.  For some reason this sparked a little bit of interest in my mind and I then decided that I would entertain the idea of just consulting with a specialist.  So, I googled "fertility Dallas".... and lo and behold Dr. Goldstein's site came up.  His site wasn't the top of the results on the screen, but for some reason I pulled his page up first.  And, you know what- I liked what I saw.  I liked it so much that I emailed them so see what the process was to get an appointment.  I assumed it would take months to get in, but the very next day I received a phone call from them and we had an appointment scheduled for two weeks later.

It worked out so nicely that Mike was going to be out in Texas for the summer and our first appointment was scheduled before his internship started.  So, we went and saw Dr. Goldstein and his fabulous staff.  Here are some things you should know about him.

1.  He has the highest success rates in the state of Texas

2.  He is ranked #4 across the country for IVF success, and #25 in the world (wow!)

3.  He has is very own lab and OR- and can do the entire IVF process from start to finish in his office

4.  He told me after all of our tests/ diagnostic procedures that there is no reason that I can't get pregnant, and that all of this was going to work out

It's funny baby, because I went from being petrified of IVF and pretty firm on wanting to wait until after law school to pursue anything more than Clomid to going right to IVF.  And there was a piece of me that knew from the very first day that we sat in his office that this is what we were going to do.  The rest of the decision process has been really almost miraculous.  From having the finances work out seamlessly, to my boss in Mississippi holding my position for me while I took an extended leave, and having the amazing opportunity to work from home... it all just came together.

So baby, here we are settling in for the night- the night before Dr. Goldstein goes in for our retrieval.  And my heart is at peace.  I know that there is about a 70% chance this will work.  And, I will do this again, and again and again and again to have you.  I will build any bridge, cross any water, pursue any medical intervention, spend all of my retirement, and exhaust every effort to have you.

So wish us luck tomorrow baby... because tomorrow is one day closer to bringing you down here to us.

Love,

Your Future Mom

Progress

Picture of the onesies we made at Kristi's shower

Dear Baby,

I am writing you this letter today to talk about the recent progress in our lives.  The dictionary defines progress as "forward or onward movement toward a destination".  And baby, that's exactly what I have been doing over the last few months- moving toward the destination of being your mother.

I really think the measure of success in making it through our trials is really whether or not we have made progress.  You see baby, a trial can absolutely bring you to your knees (which my struggle to have you has done)- but you have a choice....you can stay down or you can get up and move forward (not to be confused with President Obama's campaign slogan).  To tell you the truth, there were a few months earlier this year where I did stay down.

I believe I told you earlier that you can be happy for someone without being excited for them.  Baby, that simply isn't true.  You can't truly be happy for someone without celebrating for them or with them.   I began to realize that I had a real problem with this.  I don't know where/why this terrible habit began.  What I realized is that sometimes in the past I would let me own low self-esteem, self-doubt, and lack of faith ruin my ability to have joy for others.  And I missed out on some really neat moments with my friends because of it.  I missed my friend Tricia's bridal shower and wedding reception.  This was a friend who let me sleep over when my heart was broken or I felt lonely.  Yet- somehow I couldn't find a way to give her the support she had so graciously given me.  When my own sister called to tell me she was pregnant the first thing I could manage to say was "don't expect me to throw you a shower".  How pathetic huh? 

I hope I haven't scared you with airing all of my dirty laundry.  But I want you to know some of my mistakes so you don't waste years of your life making the same ones.  You see baby, when you let envy get the best of you- it's like swallowing a jar of sour pickles everytime something good happens to someone else (thank you Elder Holland).  And after enough sour pickles you are left with a pretty rotten after taste.  After spending enough money on jars of sour pickles I decided it was time to shed all of the hurt and envy....

The process or regurgitating all of my sour pickles wasn't easy..... But baby, I am happy to tell you I have made some major progress.  And here's what I have learned.

1.  Your life won't be any easier or any better when you are envious of what everyone else has.  Your trials won't come to an end any sooner.  In fact, they probably will hang around until you learn how to be happy
2.  When you live your life being envious and unhappy for other people, you are the one who suffers
3.  When you distance yourself from sisters, friends, cousins (really whoever you are envious of) because you are jealous of what they have you damage your relationship with them- and may actually hurt them
4.  You can move past it- and you need to

The progress I have made over the summer has culminated into some wonderful memories, moments, and opportunities (some of which I will share with you later).  I had the opportunity to throw my sister a baby shower... and although I wondered if I could really go through with it un-medicated... I did!  And you know what, it was a really fun shower.  It was so nice to be able to celebrate that special moment with her.  I also had the opportunity to contact my friend Tricia and apologize to her, and that brought me a lot of peace.  I have found a lot of peace in praying for others and their needs.  Sometimes it is nice to be able to take the focus away from yourself and put that energy into someone else.  And as I have seen some of the prayers answered for people I pray for it only gives me more hope and excitement for our future.

So baby, if you are ever at a set of cross roads and are faced with the choice to find a way to feel happiness and joy for someone else OR to swallow the jar of pickle envy, I would encourage you to take the first option.  Your life will be so much easier, and you will have more people to surround you to love and support you through your trials... not to mention a better taste in your mouth.

Love,

Your Future Mom

Reasons I want to be better...

Dear Baby,

One of the biggest blessings that has come from having to wait for you is all of the growing and learning I have gotten to do along the way....  If I could sum it all up baby it would simply be that I want to become a better person so that #1, I can love you with an utterly pure and unselfish love, #2 So I can better lead you through this ever challenging life, #3 So I can make my Heavenly Father proud. 

There are so many people and reasons in my life that make me want to stretch and grow.  One of those reasons is the Oxford Ward Young Women.

I am so lucky that I get to serve these beautiful Young Women.  I think ultimately this calling was meant to benefit me more than them.  Baby, I sincerely hope that you can face life's challenges like these girls do.  These are young women who have to go out in the world each and everyday and in most situations stand alone.  These are girls who don't have the luxury of having lots of friends who believe and live as they do.  These are young women who know what it's like to be made fun of because of what they believe.  These are girls who know what it's like to stay home on a Friday night because there are no other safer options.  Some of these young women have additional life challenges, that I don't know if I would have been able to rise above.

The Young Women make me want to be a better person.  These Young Women make me want to show them that having by cultivating faith in our Heavenly Father's plan we can be happy.  These girls make me want to live my temple covenants with exactness.  I find myself wanting to stretch and grow more than ever so that someday I can show them the ultimate blessing from being obedient and faithful.  Baby, I hope you know- but that ultimate blessing is you.  I want to show them that it's worth the wait.  Whether it's abstinence before marriage, breaking the word of wisdom, or simply just hanging in there through life's challenges... it's worth it.

These girls make me wish that when I was growing up that I would have been better.  They make me wish that I could have found a way to be happy for all of my friends that were richer than me, skinnier than me, or getting married faster than me.  I wish what I know now I could have known then.  And with that I really want to share my experiences and challenges with them, so maybe they don't have to make the same mistakes.

It has been through serving these girls (and Pres. Holland's conference talk too) that I have realized my blessings are in no way diminished with someone else's added blessings or success.  I remember having a particularly hard time in college when my self-esteem was so low and it seemed like all of my friends were moving on and getting married.  I had such a hard time being happy for them up close.  Looking back, that was a mistake.  I missed some wonderful events.  I missed my friend Trish's bridal shower.  I missed my friend Krista's wedding reception.  I had lots of excuses at the time, but what it came down to was that I let my own pain get in the way of celebrating their joy.  I don't want to be that person.  I don't want these Young Women to go through life being that way... and I don't think it's fair to lead them carrying that kind of negativity.

When I found out Kristi was pregnant I remember sitting in sacrament meeting thinking it was all a mean joke.  But in that moment of anguish I felt strongly that I could promise 2 things.  #1, I could keep my temple covenants, and #2 I could serve these Young Women.  I won't lie, there have been  Sunday's when I just haven't felt like going to church... where I haven't felt like I could fake a smile.  But, by keeping that promise to my Heavenly Father I have been rewarded with so many blessings.  I can see that these girls look up to me.  That by loving them they are better able to know of their infinite worth.  Through serving them, I have felt my Savior's love for me. 

It has been through this growth that I have realized if the situation was reversed... if I already had a baby of my own I wouldn't hesitate for a second to throw my sister a baby shower.  So baby, why should I let the fact that you aren't here yet get in the way of celebrating this gift that is coming to Kristi?  I don't want you to have a mother than can't reach higher than her own selfishness.  Baby, I hope that someday you can be like these Oxford Ward Young Women.  I hope that you are sweet and pure, and that you might inspire some other young woman to be a little more than she is today.  I am so grateful that by serving others I can move through the hardest challenge of my life.

Baby, I love you.  I am trying to let the Lord mold me into what he wants me to me.  And baby, I am going to keep loving and serving these young women while I wait for you.  Baby, I look forward to how much joy I will feel when someday I have you in my arms and can introduce you to these beautiful young women who helped prepare me to be your mother. 

Love,
Your Mom

Stretching and Growing...

Dear Baby,

Throughout this life, we are given lots of opportunities (aka trials) to stretch our capacities and to grow our faith. On the days where I am able to think positively, I realize this is an incredible opportunity to stretch and to grow. I came home from church a few weeks ago and was particularly touched by the lyrics of this song:

Stronger than the Storn
by Katherine Nelson

She feels the storm around her
Her heart is filled with fear
The dreams that she once held
No longer seem so clear
And She wonders if
She has the strength within
She feels the raging seas
And doubts that she can win

His Hands have power to calm the winds
And the seas are under His command
And He stands when all else falls
He is always stronger than the storm.

And as the winds grow stronger
She knows she can't let go
She pleads to the Father
He strengthens her soul
The winds beat down
they wash away her pride
when the storm moves on
All that is pure is left inside.

She knows His Hands have power to calm the winds
And the seas are under His command
And He stands when all else falls
He is always stronger than the storm.

She knows He's stronger than the storm.

Honestly Baby, there are so many days that I wonder if I really am stronger than this storm. I think most of my days are spent in some measure of prayer of communication with Heavenly Father. I find myself sometimes just asking to help me make it through the next 5 minutes. Today after one of those moments I was reminded of a time a few years back when I trained for a marathon. Although baby, this life really isn't a race- this experience can be compared to the preparation spent for my marathon. It's easy to run a 5k. And really, a 5k is a good thing. You should be happy to be able to be physically fit enough to run a 5k.... A 5k is quick. You can finish it in under a half hour. You find a measure of satisfaction being able to do it. And really anyone can. A marathon however, requires so much more. It requires training. You have to use and stretch new muscles. They have to become strong. To do it successfully it takes time. There is a huge measure of satisfaction and joy you feel when crossing the finish line. Not many people can do it. And so is my struggle to have you.... Most will only have to face the distance of a 5k to have a child. I feel like I am on mile 18 of my marathon. I am tired, my muscles are weak, but they are stronger than they were before I started training. I can't quite see the finish line yet, but I know it's out there. And baby, like a crossing the finish line of a marathon- the first time I hold you will give me so much joy. More satisfaction and elation than any 5k finish.

There is something about having to exercise patience for something your heart aches for. It has the ability to refine you, not define you. I have days where I almost let this challenge define me. I almost let it make me unhappy. Sometimes I even let it make me feel like I am somewhat of a broken woman, that somehow I don't measure up... that the quality of my life isn't what other women's are because I don't have you. But Baby, it simply isn't true. I am a woman that is a marathon runner, capable of the strenuous training that is needed to make it to the finish line. I have faith that I will have this burden lifted from my shoulder, and in it's place you will be in my arms.

One of my greatest hopes for you is that you have the courage to face the daunting challenge of whatever marathon yours may be. I hope that you know, that you literally can accomplish anything. You will have a mom and a dad that will believe in you... not only will we love to the moon and back we will help you accomplish yours dreams, because you will be our dream come true.

Until Next Time,
Your Future Mom

It's so hard waiting...

Dear Baby-

I haven't written you letters for so long because my heart has hung heavy for the past few months. The purpose of writing to you is for you to know someday how long we loved you and yearned for you before you ever came into our lives. So Baby, I am going to share with you why my heart hangs heavy.... and why it's so hard waiting for you....

I have wanted to be your mother since I was a little girl... Did you know when I was little my favorite song was "When I Grow Up I want to be a Mother"... Here are the lyrics:


"When I grow up I want to be a mother
And have a family
One little, two little, three little babies of my own
Of all the jobs, for me I'll choose no other
We'll have a family
Four little, five little, six little babies in my home
And I will love them all day long
And give them cookies and milk and yellow balloons
And cuddle them when things go wrong
And read them stories and sing them pretty tunes
When I grow up if I can be a mother
How happy I will be
One little, two little, three little babies I can love
And you will see each sister and each brother
Who look a lot like me
Four little, five little, six little blessings from above."

I used to dance around in my Halloween costume which by the way was a little bridal gown and hold my baby dolls. So you see Baby, I have looked forward to having you all my life. Each month you aren't here feels like forever. When you are trying to have a baby you live your life in 2 week cycles.... 2 weeks waiting to see if the medicine worked... and then 2 more weeks to see "if it took"... Somehow living your life in 2 week cycles makes time drag on forever.... Each year feels like 10.

New babies are making their way into this world each and everyday. Right now it feels like everyone is pregnant. As a matter of fact 3/4 of my sister/sister-in laws are pregnant or have recently had a baby. That's not counting any of my dear friends. I am not unhappy for them. I do not harbor any negative feelings for them... In fact, I am happy for them. But baby sometimes it makes my heart hurt knowing that of all of those babies who are coming to this earth right now- you aren't one of them. I have learned that you can be happy for someone without being excited. I am working on the excited part. I sometimes wonder Baby, if you are just having too much fun with Heavenly Father to want to come down and live with us for a while... I mean I understand... I probably would too.

The fear of the unknown can be a very scary thing. Sometimes it can even bring you to a breaking point. I think I may have even gotten to mine. But you know what Baby, we can't live our lives in fear. I am learning that. Fear is a tool of the adversary. There is nothing about living in fear and doubt that is productive. It won't help you come here any faster.... Even worse it won't help me be any happier or make the pain any less while I wait for you. I thought for split second that the negativity would help me stop wanting you so badly... so I let is fester for a little while. But it doesn't. There is nothing in this world that could do that. You're part of the thread that stitches me. Even though I haven't had you yet, you're a part of me. So, I am going to pull myself up- by the boot straps if I have to and find a way to shed the hurt and anger so that I can be the best woman I possibly can. Because Baby, you deserve it.

Sometimes waiting for you seems like the meanest joke in the world.... But somehow I can't help but know that all of the pain is going to be worth it. I am going to love you so much- a big part of me already does. I am going to appreciate you and savor every second with you. I picture the moment we find out we're going to have you and I find tears of joy just at the thought of it.

While I wait for you I promise I will try to be patient. I am going to turn this over to the Lord, because only He can help. He is in control, and I need to surrender to that. I am going to work on laying this challenge at His feet. I am also going to have Faith. I am going to have Faith in all of the blessings that have been promised to me instead of being skeptical of them. As you can see I have lots to keep me busy to prepare to meet you. But Baby, please hurry. I look forward to meeting you... to holding you... because I love you.

Love,
Your future mom....

Baby.... You're Worth It

Many of you know that Mike and I have been wanting to expand our family.... I don't like to carry my trials on my sleeve. I prefer to face my problems not Facebook them (thank you Amy Roads). I figure in the safety of a private blog I can feel comfortable in sharing not only highlights of our lives (like our recent trip to NYC- whoot whoot!), but some of our more challenging moments.

For any of you who have ever wanted a child and not have it happen as quick as you'd like know it is a gut wrenching, soul searching, bring you to your knees kind of trial. I have dear family member that lost her mother at a pivotal/young age and she told me she could face the pain of losing her mom again over the pain of having empty arms. One of the things that has helped me the most to get through this is to write letters to our future baby.... I hope to someday give those letters to our first baby so that he/she knows how much we loved them, and how much we yearned to bring them into our lives when they were just a twinkle in our eye (you can laugh all you want I know I probably would if I were reading this). So in this post I will include today's letter to our future baby (no I'm not pregnant yet).

Dear Baby-

Today I just wanted you to know how worth it you really are. By the time you read this, the struggle to bring you into our lives will be so far gone I may not even remember how bad it hurt at times. So, in light of knowing that I wanted you to know how worth it you were to go through the struggles we have gone through to have you. Here are some of the recent experiences we have had that shows just how much we love you and we don't even know you yet.

1. Driving the distance..... Today I had an appointment scheduled with my "lady doctor". Just so you know, I have the best lady doctor around. I truly feel one of the reasons we are out here in Mississippi is just so that I could be under his care. I am getting such wonderful medical care and advice- and what's so crazy is that I am getting such great care way out here in Missi-freakin-ssippi. Just so you know I have to drive an hour each way at least once a month to be prodded like a guinea pig just so we can see what my ovaries are looking like (and we'll leave it at that). I am now an expert in looking at the size of my follicles and the thickness of my "lining". Did you know you need an 8mm endometrial lining to successfully conceive? I know exciting huh- and well, maybe a little bit too much information? I hope I didn't just embarrass you.... Anyways, today I drive all of the way out there in my car with a broken window motor just to get a phone call saying the doctor had an emergency and would have to reschedule. So, lucky me I get to drive out again on Monday morning with the wind whipping through the car cabin to get a glimmer of my slightly special needs ovaries. But Baby, you're worth it. I would drive from here to the end of the earth and back just to do it all over again to have you.

2. Hot Flashes/Hair Growth.... Oh Baby, you should know how much I love you since I am willing to go through menopause symptoms while in my twenties. I have been put on a lovely medication (Clomid) to boost my lining and stimulate ovulation (I know TMI). I have been SOOO blessed to in a short period of time have amazing progress with the medication. I ovulated last month (Wahoo!!!!)- and I had a BEAUTIFUL lining. Whoot Whoot! Aside from the awesome progress I have had (which I am eternally grateful for) I have developed some lovely side effects. Those being hot flashes and unwanted hair growth. I love waking up in the night drenched in sweat. Even better, I love driving home from the gym (already looking mighty fine) just to see some lovely new hair growth in the rear view mirror. In case you were wondering, the rear view mirror is not a self-esteem boosting mirror. Stay away from it except for when driving. At this point in time it would probably be wise for me to buy stock in a laser hair removal company OR become an asthetician. But Baby, you're worth it. I would live with perma- butt sweat and grow a full facial beard just to have you. No joke I would.

3. Fending off the Debbie Downer..... In case you haven't figured it out by now waiting for you is tough stuff. I won't lie- it's hard to stay positive all of the time. But, deep down I know you'll join us sooner or later and in the meantime I try to find all of the ways my life is pretty great. Last night I was hanging out with some girls I really enjoy and one of them called herself.... then proceeded to call me "Infertile". I was livid. I wanted to say "Don't you put that on me Ricky Bobby" (I hope you develop an affinity for the fine culture that is Will Farrel movies someday). But instead, I took a softer approach and explained to her the importance that staying positive is for me.

What I am learning is that just because I have a particular trial or experience doesn't mean that anyone else has to go through the same thing. This friend of mine has been trying a long time as well to have a baby (there are lots of women out there who go through this). But, just because she has been trying X# of years and has had her particular fertility experience, doesn't mean mine will be the same. I mean I have tons of friends that get pregnant without even thinking about it. If that were the case for me I would already have a dozens. I sometimes start to box myself into a corner and think, "Oh it won't happen for me because it hasn't happened for her" or "Oh this medicine isn't going to help because it didn't help her". But, that just isn't the case. What works for me works for me. And I promise you this, I will stop at nothing to have you (short of committing any crime), because Baby you're worth it. I would walk through any fire, climb any mountain, live without any luxury, take any medicine, have any procedure, and lose the function of my legs from kneeling in prayer endlessly to have you. I love you Baby, and I haven't even met you yet. And so, to be the best mom I can I am going to stay positive and fight off the inner Debbie Downer.

Baby, I hope after reading this you know how much I look forward to having you come into our lives and that I would do ANYTHING to have you here and hold you in my arms. I hope you are okay with having a sweaty mom with a little bit of facial hair. I promise I will groom myself as best I can before coming to any school functions or accompanying you anywhere in public.

Love,

Your Future Mom