Progress

Picture of the onesies we made at Kristi's shower

Dear Baby,

I am writing you this letter today to talk about the recent progress in our lives.  The dictionary defines progress as "forward or onward movement toward a destination".  And baby, that's exactly what I have been doing over the last few months- moving toward the destination of being your mother.

I really think the measure of success in making it through our trials is really whether or not we have made progress.  You see baby, a trial can absolutely bring you to your knees (which my struggle to have you has done)- but you have a choice....you can stay down or you can get up and move forward (not to be confused with President Obama's campaign slogan).  To tell you the truth, there were a few months earlier this year where I did stay down.

I believe I told you earlier that you can be happy for someone without being excited for them.  Baby, that simply isn't true.  You can't truly be happy for someone without celebrating for them or with them.   I began to realize that I had a real problem with this.  I don't know where/why this terrible habit began.  What I realized is that sometimes in the past I would let me own low self-esteem, self-doubt, and lack of faith ruin my ability to have joy for others.  And I missed out on some really neat moments with my friends because of it.  I missed my friend Tricia's bridal shower and wedding reception.  This was a friend who let me sleep over when my heart was broken or I felt lonely.  Yet- somehow I couldn't find a way to give her the support she had so graciously given me.  When my own sister called to tell me she was pregnant the first thing I could manage to say was "don't expect me to throw you a shower".  How pathetic huh? 

I hope I haven't scared you with airing all of my dirty laundry.  But I want you to know some of my mistakes so you don't waste years of your life making the same ones.  You see baby, when you let envy get the best of you- it's like swallowing a jar of sour pickles everytime something good happens to someone else (thank you Elder Holland).  And after enough sour pickles you are left with a pretty rotten after taste.  After spending enough money on jars of sour pickles I decided it was time to shed all of the hurt and envy....

The process or regurgitating all of my sour pickles wasn't easy..... But baby, I am happy to tell you I have made some major progress.  And here's what I have learned.

1.  Your life won't be any easier or any better when you are envious of what everyone else has.  Your trials won't come to an end any sooner.  In fact, they probably will hang around until you learn how to be happy
2.  When you live your life being envious and unhappy for other people, you are the one who suffers
3.  When you distance yourself from sisters, friends, cousins (really whoever you are envious of) because you are jealous of what they have you damage your relationship with them- and may actually hurt them
4.  You can move past it- and you need to

The progress I have made over the summer has culminated into some wonderful memories, moments, and opportunities (some of which I will share with you later).  I had the opportunity to throw my sister a baby shower... and although I wondered if I could really go through with it un-medicated... I did!  And you know what, it was a really fun shower.  It was so nice to be able to celebrate that special moment with her.  I also had the opportunity to contact my friend Tricia and apologize to her, and that brought me a lot of peace.  I have found a lot of peace in praying for others and their needs.  Sometimes it is nice to be able to take the focus away from yourself and put that energy into someone else.  And as I have seen some of the prayers answered for people I pray for it only gives me more hope and excitement for our future.

So baby, if you are ever at a set of cross roads and are faced with the choice to find a way to feel happiness and joy for someone else OR to swallow the jar of pickle envy, I would encourage you to take the first option.  Your life will be so much easier, and you will have more people to surround you to love and support you through your trials... not to mention a better taste in your mouth.

Love,

Your Future Mom