One of the biggest blessings that has come from having to wait for you is all of the growing and learning I have gotten to do along the way.... If I could sum it all up baby it would simply be that I want to become a better person so that #1, I can love you with an utterly pure and unselfish love, #2 So I can better lead you through this ever challenging life, #3 So I can make my Heavenly Father proud.
There are so many people and reasons in my life that make me want to stretch and grow. One of those reasons is the Oxford Ward Young Women.
I am so lucky that I get to serve these beautiful Young Women. I think ultimately this calling was meant to benefit me more than them. Baby, I sincerely hope that you can face life's challenges like these girls do. These are young women who have to go out in the world each and everyday and in most situations stand alone. These are girls who don't have the luxury of having lots of friends who believe and live as they do. These are young women who know what it's like to be made fun of because of what they believe. These are girls who know what it's like to stay home on a Friday night because there are no other safer options. Some of these young women have additional life challenges, that I don't know if I would have been able to rise above.
The Young Women make me want to be a better person. These Young Women make me want to show them that having by cultivating faith in our Heavenly Father's plan we can be happy. These girls make me want to live my temple covenants with exactness. I find myself wanting to stretch and grow more than ever so that someday I can show them the ultimate blessing from being obedient and faithful. Baby, I hope you know- but that ultimate blessing is you. I want to show them that it's worth the wait. Whether it's abstinence before marriage, breaking the word of wisdom, or simply just hanging in there through life's challenges... it's worth it.
These girls make me wish that when I was growing up that I would have been better. They make me wish that I could have found a way to be happy for all of my friends that were richer than me, skinnier than me, or getting married faster than me. I wish what I know now I could have known then. And with that I really want to share my experiences and challenges with them, so maybe they don't have to make the same mistakes.
It has been through serving these girls (and Pres. Holland's conference talk too) that I have realized my blessings are in no way diminished with someone else's added blessings or success. I remember having a particularly hard time in college when my self-esteem was so low and it seemed like all of my friends were moving on and getting married. I had such a hard time being happy for them up close. Looking back, that was a mistake. I missed some wonderful events. I missed my friend Trish's bridal shower. I missed my friend Krista's wedding reception. I had lots of excuses at the time, but what it came down to was that I let my own pain get in the way of celebrating their joy. I don't want to be that person. I don't want these Young Women to go through life being that way... and I don't think it's fair to lead them carrying that kind of negativity.
When I found out Kristi was pregnant I remember sitting in sacrament meeting thinking it was all a mean joke. But in that moment of anguish I felt strongly that I could promise 2 things. #1, I could keep my temple covenants, and #2 I could serve these Young Women. I won't lie, there have been Sunday's when I just haven't felt like going to church... where I haven't felt like I could fake a smile. But, by keeping that promise to my Heavenly Father I have been rewarded with so many blessings. I can see that these girls look up to me. That by loving them they are better able to know of their infinite worth. Through serving them, I have felt my Savior's love for me.
It has been through this growth that I have realized if the situation was reversed... if I already had a baby of my own I wouldn't hesitate for a second to throw my sister a baby shower. So baby, why should I let the fact that you aren't here yet get in the way of celebrating this gift that is coming to Kristi? I don't want you to have a mother than can't reach higher than her own selfishness. Baby, I hope that someday you can be like these Oxford Ward Young Women. I hope that you are sweet and pure, and that you might inspire some other young woman to be a little more than she is today. I am so grateful that by serving others I can move through the hardest challenge of my life.
Baby, I love you. I am trying to let the Lord mold me into what he wants me to me. And baby, I am going to keep loving and serving these young women while I wait for you. Baby, I look forward to how much joy I will feel when someday I have you in my arms and can introduce you to these beautiful young women who helped prepare me to be your mother.
Love,
Your Mom
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