It's so hard waiting...

Dear Baby-

I haven't written you letters for so long because my heart has hung heavy for the past few months. The purpose of writing to you is for you to know someday how long we loved you and yearned for you before you ever came into our lives. So Baby, I am going to share with you why my heart hangs heavy.... and why it's so hard waiting for you....

I have wanted to be your mother since I was a little girl... Did you know when I was little my favorite song was "When I Grow Up I want to be a Mother"... Here are the lyrics:


"When I grow up I want to be a mother
And have a family
One little, two little, three little babies of my own
Of all the jobs, for me I'll choose no other
We'll have a family
Four little, five little, six little babies in my home
And I will love them all day long
And give them cookies and milk and yellow balloons
And cuddle them when things go wrong
And read them stories and sing them pretty tunes
When I grow up if I can be a mother
How happy I will be
One little, two little, three little babies I can love
And you will see each sister and each brother
Who look a lot like me
Four little, five little, six little blessings from above."

I used to dance around in my Halloween costume which by the way was a little bridal gown and hold my baby dolls. So you see Baby, I have looked forward to having you all my life. Each month you aren't here feels like forever. When you are trying to have a baby you live your life in 2 week cycles.... 2 weeks waiting to see if the medicine worked... and then 2 more weeks to see "if it took"... Somehow living your life in 2 week cycles makes time drag on forever.... Each year feels like 10.

New babies are making their way into this world each and everyday. Right now it feels like everyone is pregnant. As a matter of fact 3/4 of my sister/sister-in laws are pregnant or have recently had a baby. That's not counting any of my dear friends. I am not unhappy for them. I do not harbor any negative feelings for them... In fact, I am happy for them. But baby sometimes it makes my heart hurt knowing that of all of those babies who are coming to this earth right now- you aren't one of them. I have learned that you can be happy for someone without being excited. I am working on the excited part. I sometimes wonder Baby, if you are just having too much fun with Heavenly Father to want to come down and live with us for a while... I mean I understand... I probably would too.

The fear of the unknown can be a very scary thing. Sometimes it can even bring you to a breaking point. I think I may have even gotten to mine. But you know what Baby, we can't live our lives in fear. I am learning that. Fear is a tool of the adversary. There is nothing about living in fear and doubt that is productive. It won't help you come here any faster.... Even worse it won't help me be any happier or make the pain any less while I wait for you. I thought for split second that the negativity would help me stop wanting you so badly... so I let is fester for a little while. But it doesn't. There is nothing in this world that could do that. You're part of the thread that stitches me. Even though I haven't had you yet, you're a part of me. So, I am going to pull myself up- by the boot straps if I have to and find a way to shed the hurt and anger so that I can be the best woman I possibly can. Because Baby, you deserve it.

Sometimes waiting for you seems like the meanest joke in the world.... But somehow I can't help but know that all of the pain is going to be worth it. I am going to love you so much- a big part of me already does. I am going to appreciate you and savor every second with you. I picture the moment we find out we're going to have you and I find tears of joy just at the thought of it.

While I wait for you I promise I will try to be patient. I am going to turn this over to the Lord, because only He can help. He is in control, and I need to surrender to that. I am going to work on laying this challenge at His feet. I am also going to have Faith. I am going to have Faith in all of the blessings that have been promised to me instead of being skeptical of them. As you can see I have lots to keep me busy to prepare to meet you. But Baby, please hurry. I look forward to meeting you... to holding you... because I love you.

Love,
Your future mom....