Baby.... You're Worth It

Many of you know that Mike and I have been wanting to expand our family.... I don't like to carry my trials on my sleeve. I prefer to face my problems not Facebook them (thank you Amy Roads). I figure in the safety of a private blog I can feel comfortable in sharing not only highlights of our lives (like our recent trip to NYC- whoot whoot!), but some of our more challenging moments.

For any of you who have ever wanted a child and not have it happen as quick as you'd like know it is a gut wrenching, soul searching, bring you to your knees kind of trial. I have dear family member that lost her mother at a pivotal/young age and she told me she could face the pain of losing her mom again over the pain of having empty arms. One of the things that has helped me the most to get through this is to write letters to our future baby.... I hope to someday give those letters to our first baby so that he/she knows how much we loved them, and how much we yearned to bring them into our lives when they were just a twinkle in our eye (you can laugh all you want I know I probably would if I were reading this). So in this post I will include today's letter to our future baby (no I'm not pregnant yet).

Dear Baby-

Today I just wanted you to know how worth it you really are. By the time you read this, the struggle to bring you into our lives will be so far gone I may not even remember how bad it hurt at times. So, in light of knowing that I wanted you to know how worth it you were to go through the struggles we have gone through to have you. Here are some of the recent experiences we have had that shows just how much we love you and we don't even know you yet.

1. Driving the distance..... Today I had an appointment scheduled with my "lady doctor". Just so you know, I have the best lady doctor around. I truly feel one of the reasons we are out here in Mississippi is just so that I could be under his care. I am getting such wonderful medical care and advice- and what's so crazy is that I am getting such great care way out here in Missi-freakin-ssippi. Just so you know I have to drive an hour each way at least once a month to be prodded like a guinea pig just so we can see what my ovaries are looking like (and we'll leave it at that). I am now an expert in looking at the size of my follicles and the thickness of my "lining". Did you know you need an 8mm endometrial lining to successfully conceive? I know exciting huh- and well, maybe a little bit too much information? I hope I didn't just embarrass you.... Anyways, today I drive all of the way out there in my car with a broken window motor just to get a phone call saying the doctor had an emergency and would have to reschedule. So, lucky me I get to drive out again on Monday morning with the wind whipping through the car cabin to get a glimmer of my slightly special needs ovaries. But Baby, you're worth it. I would drive from here to the end of the earth and back just to do it all over again to have you.

2. Hot Flashes/Hair Growth.... Oh Baby, you should know how much I love you since I am willing to go through menopause symptoms while in my twenties. I have been put on a lovely medication (Clomid) to boost my lining and stimulate ovulation (I know TMI). I have been SOOO blessed to in a short period of time have amazing progress with the medication. I ovulated last month (Wahoo!!!!)- and I had a BEAUTIFUL lining. Whoot Whoot! Aside from the awesome progress I have had (which I am eternally grateful for) I have developed some lovely side effects. Those being hot flashes and unwanted hair growth. I love waking up in the night drenched in sweat. Even better, I love driving home from the gym (already looking mighty fine) just to see some lovely new hair growth in the rear view mirror. In case you were wondering, the rear view mirror is not a self-esteem boosting mirror. Stay away from it except for when driving. At this point in time it would probably be wise for me to buy stock in a laser hair removal company OR become an asthetician. But Baby, you're worth it. I would live with perma- butt sweat and grow a full facial beard just to have you. No joke I would.

3. Fending off the Debbie Downer..... In case you haven't figured it out by now waiting for you is tough stuff. I won't lie- it's hard to stay positive all of the time. But, deep down I know you'll join us sooner or later and in the meantime I try to find all of the ways my life is pretty great. Last night I was hanging out with some girls I really enjoy and one of them called herself.... then proceeded to call me "Infertile". I was livid. I wanted to say "Don't you put that on me Ricky Bobby" (I hope you develop an affinity for the fine culture that is Will Farrel movies someday). But instead, I took a softer approach and explained to her the importance that staying positive is for me.

What I am learning is that just because I have a particular trial or experience doesn't mean that anyone else has to go through the same thing. This friend of mine has been trying a long time as well to have a baby (there are lots of women out there who go through this). But, just because she has been trying X# of years and has had her particular fertility experience, doesn't mean mine will be the same. I mean I have tons of friends that get pregnant without even thinking about it. If that were the case for me I would already have a dozens. I sometimes start to box myself into a corner and think, "Oh it won't happen for me because it hasn't happened for her" or "Oh this medicine isn't going to help because it didn't help her". But, that just isn't the case. What works for me works for me. And I promise you this, I will stop at nothing to have you (short of committing any crime), because Baby you're worth it. I would walk through any fire, climb any mountain, live without any luxury, take any medicine, have any procedure, and lose the function of my legs from kneeling in prayer endlessly to have you. I love you Baby, and I haven't even met you yet. And so, to be the best mom I can I am going to stay positive and fight off the inner Debbie Downer.

Baby, I hope after reading this you know how much I look forward to having you come into our lives and that I would do ANYTHING to have you here and hold you in my arms. I hope you are okay with having a sweaty mom with a little bit of facial hair. I promise I will groom myself as best I can before coming to any school functions or accompanying you anywhere in public.

Love,

Your Future Mom