Worth the Wait...



Baby's first picture!


Dear Baby(ies),

Yesterday culminated into what I can only describe as the best day of my life.  For baby, it was yesterday that we found out we are pregnant with you.  As you know by now, our path to having you has felt long and hard. It has been filled with all sorts of curves and surprises along the way.  And even though at times the road felt lonely and unending, the wait to have you was absolutely worth it. 

Before hearing the amazing news yesterday it had been quite the week.... and had been filled with so many emotions.  To be honest, I am just barely starting to process them all.  Last Monday was the day of our embryo transfer.  This is the part of the IVF process in which they select the best embryo(s) to transfer back into my uterus.  In our case, they selected the best two.   The embryologist gave us the above picture right before we went into the operating room.  I will have to tell you, the moment they placed you inside of my body was one of the most spiritual and tender moments I have ever had.  I knew without a shadow of a doubt as I watched the doctor carefully place you inside of me that he had been given a talent, and with that talent he was helping a dream come true for us.  I know our Heavenly Father gave him the talents and abilities he has to bless the lives of others people like us.

Some people might resent not getting pregnant the conventional way but I don't...   Not many people are able to exercise such faith, desire, and sacrifice to have a child.  Your father and I would go to any length to have you,  and in fact went to great lengths to bring you here.  But with all efforts we went through, this miracle wouldn't have happened without our Heavenly Father.  He absolutely answered the most tender prayers and pleadings of my heart.  This long journey has been filled with so many tender mercies- some so tender and dear to my heart I can't bring myself to write them here.  Those tender mercies we experienced are priceless.

After the transfer Dr. Goldstein told me the next 10 days would be hard.  And he was right.  We had to wait 10 days to find out if we were pregnant with you.  There were some days that weren't too bad, but there were a couple of days I was an absolute mess.  The day after our transfer we found out they weren't able to freeze the remaining embryos. That was a sad moment for me.  I felt defeated and worried.  I felt a little bit of loss for what might have been for those tiny pieces of life.  But ultimately, I was comforted and able to move past that because I know the Lord has a special place for each one of his children- and those little pieces of us have their special place in His plan.

Then all of a sudden day 10 came and it was time to go to his office to have my blood drawn.  The minute I walked into the lab area the staff was so excited to see me.  They said they had been praying for me, and were sending all of their positive thoughts our way.  It was touching to know that they were rooting for us too.  Before I knew it, my blood was drawn and I was walking out of the office.  They told me they would call me sometime in the afternoon with the results.  It almost seemed mean to have to wait so long...

The minute I walked out of Dr. Goldstein's office I broke out in tears.  It was so weird because they weren't tears of sadness....  I actually had a peaceful feeling.  But I was overcome because I knew that I had given it everything I possibly could, and even though I had given it my all it was ultimately in the Lord's hands- and I needed to lay it at His feet.  And as I was overcome with that realization, I also knew that countless prayers had been offered in our behalf.  I could almost visualize those prayers making their way to our Father in Heaven... and I know that those prayers were a big part of what brought you here to us. 

Before I knew it the phone rang.... and it wasn't even the afternoon yet!  It was Linda Dr. Goldstein's nurse and she said she had some good news.  We found out that I am pregnant and that my pregnancy hormone level looks really good.  120.2 to be exact.  As I heard this I had to sit down, and in that moment I completely lost it.    I shed countless tears of joy.  The moment I had dreamed of for so long was really here.  My heart was completely overcome with a feeling of gratitude I can't describe- and still can't.  In fact, I am still in shock.  I feel so undeserving to have such a dream come true.

And now baby I sit here writing this knowing you are growing inside my belly.  I am without words to describe how I feel inside.  For you are my tiny little miracle(s)... a miracle which would have never come to pass without a loving Heavenly Father who allowed so many doors to open.... and each of those doors led us to you.  So I ask you baby, please be strong, keep growing, know that mommy loves you, and I can't wait to meet you in a few short months.

Love,

Your Mom

8 Tiny Dancers....

(Embyo 1 day after fertillization- Photo courtesy of NIH..gov)

Dear Baby(ies)-

Yesterday was a big day for our little family.  Our little family of two grew to include 8 of you.  You see baby(ies), yesterday was our retrieval day. After 3 weeks of medications (injectable medications I might add) to make my ovaries produce follicles, the doctor has to go and drain them.  What you hope is that each of those little sacs has an egg inside it.  I got a little bit worried last week because I didn't produce 20 follicles like some women do.  But, what I realized per Dr. Goldstein is that it's quality not quantity.  And my 9 follicles were little super stars.  When Dr. Goldstein went in to drain them, he got an egg from each one.  Wahoo!

After retrieval came fertilization....  I won't go into too much detail here.  We'll teach you about where babies from when you're a little older.  We got a call from our embyrologist today to let us know that 8 of our little embryos made it through the night.  What this means is that one of you wasn't quite strong enough to make it.... and while I was sad about this I was so glad 8 of you did.  What this means is that today we have 8 tiny little dancers spending quality time together in an incubator growing stronger and getting bigger so that Dr. Goldstein can transfer you into my uterus.  In case you are frightened that you might be sent to a family with a crazy Octomom- don't worry.  Dr. Goldstein only puts two in at a time. 

Even though you are just little cells right now.  I love you.   I already feel protective over you.  If I could I would go and hold you, but that would hurt you so I won't.  And I promise you this, I won't leave any one of you behind.  I will come back for each and every one of you- even if that means I spend tens of thousands of more dollars on IVF.  For you see you are my babies.

So tiny dancers, be strong and keep growing.  I can't wait to meet you.

Love,

Your Mom

Dreams into Plans

Dear Baby,

I have hesitated to share too much on this blog because of my desire to keep the most tender moments of this fertility struggle private.  However some of the greatest moments of release come in writing you.  I also hope that one day another woman might be able to benefit from being able to gain from the experiences I have had on my journey to having you.  With that being said, I am going to put it all out there.

One thing I have learned through this process is that, "The Lord’s way is not to sit at the side of the stream and wait for the water to pass before we cross. It is to come together, roll up our sleeves, go to work, and build a bridge or a boat to cross the waters of our challenges." (Elder Uchtdorf).  So baby, I decided I am not going to sit at the side of the stream and wait for you to float on by.  I am going to go to work and turn all of my dreams into plans, and I will keep making plans and building bridges until I cross whatever water I need to find you.

What this means for us right now is that our plans are to pursue IVF.  In fact, we are knee deep in the process right now.  It really is so crazy how the Lord brings you to places you'd never thought you'd be.  If you would have asked me a year ago if I would ever pursue advanced fertility treatment like IVF I would have said no.  But, somehow somewhere my heart began to soften- and after meeting Dr. Goldstein I felt with 100% surity that this was the right path for us.

Somewhere between finding out Kristi and Katie were pregnant I decided that I just couldn't handle anymore fertility talk let alone any treatments.  I stopped taking the Clomid and told Mike and my mom that we were taking a break from all of it, and would re-visit the issue after law school/the bar/and Mike finding a job.  This was where I stood and nobody was going to change my mind.  And, I think I needed to get to this point to start healing from all of the hurt.

It was in May that my mom called me and told me about a girl in her ward who approached her about wanting to find a fertility specialist.  For some reason this sparked a little bit of interest in my mind and I then decided that I would entertain the idea of just consulting with a specialist.  So, I googled "fertility Dallas".... and lo and behold Dr. Goldstein's site came up.  His site wasn't the top of the results on the screen, but for some reason I pulled his page up first.  And, you know what- I liked what I saw.  I liked it so much that I emailed them so see what the process was to get an appointment.  I assumed it would take months to get in, but the very next day I received a phone call from them and we had an appointment scheduled for two weeks later.

It worked out so nicely that Mike was going to be out in Texas for the summer and our first appointment was scheduled before his internship started.  So, we went and saw Dr. Goldstein and his fabulous staff.  Here are some things you should know about him.

1.  He has the highest success rates in the state of Texas

2.  He is ranked #4 across the country for IVF success, and #25 in the world (wow!)

3.  He has is very own lab and OR- and can do the entire IVF process from start to finish in his office

4.  He told me after all of our tests/ diagnostic procedures that there is no reason that I can't get pregnant, and that all of this was going to work out

It's funny baby, because I went from being petrified of IVF and pretty firm on wanting to wait until after law school to pursue anything more than Clomid to going right to IVF.  And there was a piece of me that knew from the very first day that we sat in his office that this is what we were going to do.  The rest of the decision process has been really almost miraculous.  From having the finances work out seamlessly, to my boss in Mississippi holding my position for me while I took an extended leave, and having the amazing opportunity to work from home... it all just came together.

So baby, here we are settling in for the night- the night before Dr. Goldstein goes in for our retrieval.  And my heart is at peace.  I know that there is about a 70% chance this will work.  And, I will do this again, and again and again and again to have you.  I will build any bridge, cross any water, pursue any medical intervention, spend all of my retirement, and exhaust every effort to have you.

So wish us luck tomorrow baby... because tomorrow is one day closer to bringing you down here to us.

Love,

Your Future Mom